Moving forward into the unknown.

If living with my son in a remote island away from all the hate, bigotry, bullying and other negative behaviors people exhibit towards one another is a possibility, I seriously would consider it.  As days go by, I notice more and more how Lucas' abilities lag behind other children of his age.  This saddens and frightens me.  When Luki was born, it was my little family against the world.  Our family would be a cocoon against the harshness of the world and we would create a safe haven where we can grow together.  I did not anticipate that we would be so dependant on other people and the services offered by the medical profession and therapists.  I hate being dependent on others and this new reality is really making me feel anxious because I don't feel I have ultimate control of my life and neither does Luki.  I have come across a few people in life who have been genuinely kind hearted and well intentioned; but, mostly, I have found people to be shelfish, callous, shallow and devious.  To think that our lives would be at their mercy makes me so angry and hopeless.
Yesterday, I had a particularly unpleasant encounter with another coworker that makes me so angry and sad and worried about the future.  In the past, I've been able to brush off such situations and move on.  I didn't really care that much; but, for some reason now, with Luki being "special" situations where people are small minded, immature and callous make me so so sad.  Things get magnified in my mind out of proportion to their importance in the greater scheme of things in life and I can't shake it off so easily.  When someone is mean to me or belittles me, it feels as if they are also being mean and belittling to my son and I have to control myself from going AWOL.  How will I manage living in modern day society where push and shove is the every day norm without it feeling like they are hitting a raw nerve? Will this be my new life?  Will I become an oversensitive, hysterical mess where every innuendo is perceived as a threat and insult?  Never mind managing Lucas, how will I manage myself?  Perhaps, consulting a life coach/counselor would help but I'm so short on time and money.

 Just writing this entry is giving me chest pains.....