"Why Are Some Born with Special Needs?"

Last Sunday, as a church-wide commitment to support families with special needs children, a  sermon was given by Pastor Ken to show support for these families in the Faith Village community.
Also, a representative from Rainbow Acres, a group home for adults with intellectual disabilities, came and spoke about their facility.  I was blessed and encouraged by this Sunday service which is also made available as as an mp3 file below.

EBCLA: Pastor Ken's Sunday service on how some people are born with special needs. (click here)

The two main sermon points addressed were the how and why of dealing with special needs.  When a family initially gets hit with the news that a child will not develop typically or is medically fragile, the first question that arises may be why this has happened, later to be followed by the question of how to cope and deal with the disability. But, more so than the how of living with a disabling condition, what has been more enigmatic to me is the question of why. Buddhists believe in the idea of karma, a system of cause and effect as a way of explaining why good and bad things happen to people.  If one has done good deeds in life, then "good" karma follows that person and that person is blessed with lucky and auspicious events, and vice versa with "bad" karma.  However, I am not so sure how appropriate it is to use this cause and effect explanation to counsel a family devastated by a child with special needs or complex medical conditions.  Bad things happen to good people and to say that perhaps a sin committed 5 lifetimes ago is now manifesting as one's "bad karma" does nothing to offer compassionate encouragement for this family.  Likewise, humanity over 2000 years ago asked Jesus a similar question in John 9 of the bible:

Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind

9 As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 And his disciples asked him, c“Rabbi,dwho sinned, ethis man or fhis parents, that he was born blind?” 3 Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but gthat the works of God might be displayed in him.

This is why I love Jesus so much.  He makes people look beyond the cause and effect (a very worldly view) to explain tragedies and look to the greatness of God in ALL situations whether good or bad. Jesus says it is nobody's fault why a disability is visited on a family - not the person affected nor his parents!  God did it so that goodness can come of it and as a result have God glorified. What does it mean to have God glorified?  To me, it means that the world lives in peace and there is no fear, anger, hatred. It means that people like my son is accepted, loved and esteemed as another aspect of God's many manifestations. God is glorified only as a result of the magnanimous choices made among humanity in how it accepts and treats the weak and disabled...but also anyone who is hurting physically and emotionally and well, that just about covers everyone alive.  God's greatness is only made manifest when humanity views all beings- disabled or not- with compassion, acceptance and sees them as a different and unique aspect of God.  God doesn't force His Will onto humanity, it is a choice made to either magnify Him or reject Him.  So many violent world events like war, occupations, genocides, urban crimes, riots I see in the news everyday sometimes leads me to belief that humanity has chosen the latter.  But, then there are heartwarming stories of amazing souls who work for the betterment of mankind and it leads me back to hope.  I desperately need to hear more of the latter stories than the former to keep me going and continue to have hope for my son.

In the sermon, Pastor Ken states that the understanding of why God did this doesn't take away the pain. It's true.  But, if I had a glimpse of heaven and all the machinations that go on up there which set the scene for all the things that happen on Earth, especially why my son is born with an intellectual disability, and knowing God works all things for good, I may be overjoyed all the days of my life!  There must be some mysterious reason why God doesn't reveal everything while we are in the flesh so the only comfort I take is knowing that God is with us and He is for us.  The question I am now faced with is, is that enough?  Is God's love and presence with me enough to compensate for the possibility of encountering harshness  in this world, especially with a disabled son? I have the rest of my life to unravel the answer to this question.  With time, I hope to understand the depth of what "God is with us and God is for us" means as I journey with Lucas and Gabriel on our special lives together.  

John 16:33New International Version (NIV)

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Pastor Ken has introduced me to a new favorite vocabulary word "eschatological".  It means that it is only in the end times that all will make sense.  Yes, eschatological, indeed.  

"Grief Shared is Halved, Joy Shared is Doubled."

Last Sunday at our Journey's meeting for parents of special needs children, we discussed the chapter in the book, Another Kind of Courage , addressing the challenges of keeping the marriage covenant when a special needs child shares in the dynamics between a couple. Honestly, a short chapter in this book doesn't do justice to the topic, someone should write a whole book on it.  We discussed how different styles of communication between a man and a woman can sometimes lead to miscommunication or no communication at all, leaving spouses feeling unsupported and unheard. Gabriel shared how when he was young, his father told his brother and himself that it is not good for a man to be of many words; it is man's actions that count more that "lip service" with empty promises.  It's true, Gabe's dad is a man of very few words and I can see how this trait has been passed down to Gabriel.  I appreciate how Gabe so responsibly takes care of the family with all the little and important things that need tending  as well as helping out with Lucas and I know he cares for me, too.  I don't take any of that for granted and am so grateful for his steadfast character.  And yet, at times, I have felt that something was amiss and could not quite put my finger at something off-kilter in my emotional landscape after Luki's diagnosis.  Sunday's meeting has somewhat clarified what I could not understand on my own.

And this is what happened.

So, I shared a story of how Gabriel can be a man of few words,  It was last month when I got new curtains for the kitchen and waited for an acknowledgment from him when he came home from work.  I waited and waited when he said nothing and I thought he must not have noticed (how could he not? They are covering most of a wall in the kitchen?) Finally, when I asked about how he likes the curtains he just said, "they're nice".  Had it been me, I would be asking all sorts of questions from the shade of color, to the material and cost.  It just wasn't an important enough topic for him to talk about. It also opened my eyes to how much more he notices, feels and experiences internally - things that he may not verbally share with me.  OK, fair enough about something trivial as the curtains but what about when you find out your child has special needs?

We have both grieved.  And yet, my memory is remiss in recounting how Gabriel has grieved in his own way until another parent pointed out that Gabriel cried in our first Journey's meeting over a year ago. Hopefully, I didn't come off as someone self absorbed about my own suffering and that Gabe and I are having marital problems, lol!  How is it possible that I can recount the sadness I felt these past 2 years and yet not be able to see the same kind of pain Gabe was experiencing?  It came back to me that he, too, was in pain. That nagging feeling that something was off kilter in my mind was in fact, the sense of being lonely because I was grieving alone.  And, so was he.  I wonder if he felt lonely as well.  Perhaps it's a cultural trait among Asians to be more stoic and reserved with emotions.  I don't think Gabriel and I ever sat together and cried over and discussed the situation, heart to heart.  Which is why I remember being somewhat shocked when he cried in the first Journey's meeting. No one can teach or tell another person how to grieve.  It is so individual and I'm learning we do it alone. What's important is to walk alongside the person and just be there when they need you. Hopefully, grieving can be a positive avenue to emotional health and we can go through it without falling into unconstructive escapes - God knows there are so many from alcohol, drugs, shopping, working too much, social media, facebook (my own weakness).

As we walked home after the meeting, I apologized  and asked if I made him uncomfortable for putting him on the spot during the meeting and whether he felt thrown under the bus.  He just laughed about it (so love how he has a thick skin)  and we vowed to try praying together at least once a week as a way to check in with each other.


As I was surfing Facebook the other day (I know, I know), I came across this man belong.  Not sure who he is or even what religion he represents. But, I love his funny, simple and practical answer to the question of, "How do you make a marriage work?"

Our not-so-happy adventures in Easter Egg hunting.