Lucas went to Newport Beach for the first time this summer and he had a wonderful time wading in the water and getting pushed by the oncoming waves. He ran full speed into the water when the waves waned and I had to keep him on a harness to stop him from going in too far into the ocean. He is getting too fast and too big for me to handle without reinforcement. He did his happy dance and his signature laugh when he is immensely enjoying something. After he got cold from playing in the water, he walked over to the hot sand to warm up and be in zen. He lay on his tummy and I enjoyed the contentment on his face. I think the warmth reminds him of the jacuzi which he loved so much and probably misses after we moved out of our townhouse. Once he got too hot, he would walk back into the waves and back and forth again.
It was a busy day at the beach and I was feeling self conscious of the fact that I had Lucas on a harness. The "leash" attached to a shark shaped backpack is actually a dog leash which I bought at Petco. Unlike regular toddler leash/backpack combos this is the only one that is strong and long enough to give him some freedom to roam without me right by his side and it is working well for us at places like the beach or the park. I hate drawing attention to myself in large crowds and I wondered if people behind me were talking, staring and judging me. At one point, a woman walked toward me and I was bracing myself for her to berate me on what a horrible parent I am to be having my son on a leash like a dog (this has actually happened to me at a park by another parent). But instead, she shared her story about her 21 year old son who also has autism and is living independantly. She said a few things about IEPs and vaccines but what stuck with me is when she told me not to care what other people say or think about the leash/harness situation. It was such a comfort for someone to actually reassure me verbally, in real person, that what I was doing is OK and that I am not such a horrible parent. I can get support in social media support groups when I need it but it was something else to have a real person next to me talk to me so kindly. I felt confident for the rest of our stay at the beach and she was just what I needed at that moment. She didn't have to come up to me and talk but she did and it made the world of difference. People right now seem so angry about everything and everyone that I hesitate to approach anyone! What a lesson it is for me to not be shy or afraid of approaching people, make small talk and give a few kind words of encouragement when I can.
It is scorching hot in southern California! Yesterday, Tae Tae went to visit the beach for the first time. What a difference between him and Lucas at the same age. Tae Tae runs all over the beach and even made "friends": with a couple of teenagers! He is not shy at all! He ran to and away from waves giggling so carefree. It was such a joy to see him play so well and I couldn't help but compare my experience with Lucas when he was of the same age. Lucas was so floppy and wasn't walking although he enjoyed the texture of the sand between his fingers, he never smiled at other kids or laugh and babble like Liam.
It is hard to take both kids to the beach and I could never do it alone with out someone with me. That night as I lay Lucas to sleep and I replayed our time at the beach over in my head, I changed the script with Lucas without Dup15q. I replaced my memory of chasing after Lucas and having him on a leash with him helping me set up the umbrella and laying out the chairs. I saw him play with Liam as they walked hand in hand towards the water, both boys giggling with excitement as the waves crashed on shore. I heard Lucas tease his little brother and chase him around the sand. I saw Lucas and his dad chatting and walking to the restaurant across the street to get lunch and he was helping his dad carry the food back to us. I saw Lucas eating his corn dog all by himself and help feed Liam his baby food then build castles in the sand as Liam cooed and watched his older brother turn sand into a fort!
Then I quietly cried myself to sleep.
