Eureka! My crabbiness has nothing to do with any situation or person but everything to do with how I feel about myself.

     So, lately I found myself feeling a bit down and crabby. I;ve been trying to figure out why I am feeling this way.  Given, Luki has recently been diagnosed with autism might have something to do with it.  But, I know he is a very special and intelligent soul in a somewhat different body from other people and  I am at peace with his condition - so long as he doesn't develop seizures and have other health issues.  This is just how he has decided to manifest into this world in this particular lifetime and what an honor it is that I have been chosen to be the mother to such a brilliant soul.  I thought maybe it had something to do with Gabe as I have been feeling short with him on trivial things.  After reflecting a bit, and perhaps with some inspiration from Spirit, I had the understanding that this negative feeling which I have been projecting outward has nothing to do with something outside of myself.  In fact, it is a negative feeling I have toward myself which gets displaced onto things/people outside of myself.  This understanding must have come from above or, I am getting better at understanding myself and how I tick, or both.   Perhaps, discernment like this comes with maturity and age - I am getting old (er).  After having realized this, some of the negativity dissolved away.  It was a pity party for myself and a bit of low self esteem (which may explain why I have been  shopping for clothes so much lately) which my mind was trying to blame on other people and situations. After this realization, I found peace again with my husband and my situation with Luki.  Living in this physical world will always give me  low grade anxiety even with all the faith and trust I have developed over the years for God.  The three dimensional physical plane is not an easy classroom.
Now, the dilemma remains: how do I find more self esteem and peace with myself?  Is it possible to generate that from within or does it need to be given by someone (force) outside of myself?  I fret that I will be treated less than by other people because of my son's condition.  I worry I will not be able to relate to normal people if our situation  make us live a very differnent lifestyle.  I wish I had all the self confidence and "I don't give a crap about what other people think" attitude.  But, I know me.  I worry ALOT about what other people think about me.  I always felt like an outsider my whole life and have tried to blend in with whatever group I am with and when that was not possible, it always hurt.  We all want acceptance and inclusion, isn't this normal? Don't we all feel this way?
What is the lesson in this situation?  Find contentment with my authentic self and don't worry too much about being accepted or being a people pleaser. This is a hard lesson for me and I know my son came into being to help me master it.

I spoke with Michelle Whitedove again on a radioshow.  She just reiterated how special Lucas is and that I am worrying way too much.  She suggested I send him to Montessori and help him with vissual and hand coordinated activities.  She said he was going to surprise me and that he was an evolved being here to share unconditional love.  I love him so much and am so grateful to him.







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