Why Did You Choose Your Unique Suffering in This Life?

A few weeks ago, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg passed away after battling cancer for many years. As a beloved public figure for many Americans, she was a champion of womens' rights whose accomplishments, among many, included enacting into law the right for a woman to sign a mortgage without a man, the right to have a bank account without a male cosigner, the right to have a job without being discriminated based on gender and the right for a woman to work while pregnant and/or have kids. She was also the Supreme Court justice who wrote the majority opinion in the Olmstead case, declaring that people with disabilities have the right to live in their own communities rather than in institutions. I have never had much interest in the lives of supreme court justices nor legal matters very much but after having watched a movie based on her life called, On the Basis of Sex. I have a greater appreciation for her courage, compassion, tenacity and intellect and  feel grateful that she was one of the chosen nine to sit in the highest court of the land for so many years and feel fortunate to have occupied this earthly space with her in it. The movie portrays a young law student who is patronized by the administrators of Yale Law School as she endures double standards where preferential treatment was given to male students over her. And, as a young graduate of a prestigious Ivy League law school, she was unable to land her dream job as a litigator, had to settle for a teaching position and had to watch the rise of her husband's legal career, which she, too, wanted all the while playing the role of a supportive wife. Despite all the injustices she suffered throughout her life, RBG states that she was grateful for when, where, and  under the  unjust conditions she was born into because it gave her an opportunity to make needed changes and alter people's lives for the better, which in turn elevated her own status. Had she been born in a time when rights to women were already available, she might as well have just retired as a partner of a law firm and not have had the opportunities to make groundbreaking legal changes which set her life path as a supreme court justice. I wonder if she came to this realization while she was going through her suffering or achieved this understanding in later years when hindsight is 20/20.

 When we are going through the thick of our darkest hours, it is hard to see meaning and purpose for our suffering but when the clouds lift, hopefully we can see why things had to play out as they did. Among some metaphysical circles, there is a belief that everyone came into the world with suffering of their own choosing and that a pact with God was made before our physical incarnation on how our lives will play out and what hiccups we will experience. I like to entertain this perspective because it doesn't make someone to feel a perpetual victim of life's fickle circumstances but gives meaning and empowerment and leaves room for making choices and to exercise free will.  Although tangible physical changes may not always be possible, a shift in thought can lead to greater peace and assurance of situations as thoughts are real things, too. Her death triggered within me to ponder the question of why I chose the specific suffering that has been tailored to my own life. What conversation was had in heaven with God and my angels on what would need to be transformed, healed and brought to light through my own unique suffering in this life? 

 RBG passed away on Rosh Hashanah and in the Jewish faith it is believed that a soul who passes on Rosh Hashanah is a tzaddik, a person of great righteousness and justice proving God makes no mistake, His divine timing is always right and there is a reason for all of life's suffering.

So, This is 47. ""Everything Before 40 is Research, You Only Start Living at 40 On" - C. Jung

One good thing that came out of 2020 is our family picture!

 For my 47th birthday, my little family and I had a beautiful sunset picnic at the beach.

  As Tae and I waded by the water, a very rude man walked over and said to me, "hey mom, did you know your child is playing in front of a severed fish head?"   I didn't hear the fish part and frantically ordered Tae to get out of the water.  Sensing the distress in my voice, the man advised me to teach Tae the circle of life and about life and death.  I told him no, he is only three.  We already killed a beta and two goldfish at home whose carcasses I secretly buried in the back garden.  He seemed irritated with me and suggested I  tell him the truth "for once in my life" .. I have never met this man in my life.  I realized two things at that moment.  First, I felt a surge of gratitude on how absolutely lucky I am to have Gabriel in my life for 10 years now and that I didn't marry an asshole like this guy in front of me.  Gabriel is the one for me and although we have had our moments of mutual irritations, we are adequately amicable to get along well enough.  Doesn't sound too terribly romantic, but I'll take kindness, generosity and patience over romance any day.

The second realization was that on my 47th birthday, I found a huge severed fish head which literally floated right in front of me from the great vast Pacific ocean.  I saw this as a scary omen at first but discovered that Jewish and Chinese traditions view fish heads as great symbols of fertility and fruition of dreams and ambitions. Gabriel and I have consulted a fertility doctor after almost a year of trying to conceive and I had 14 vials of blood drawn the previous day as well as iodine contrast injected into my uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure everything is still working as it should. Gabriel is due for a sperm count next week.  Could this fish head be a sign that we will have another baby this year?  

So why have another baby at 47?  I never ever planned on having a baby past 40 but then again I never planned on having a special needs child who requires care for the rest of his life.  I always experience pangs of guilt and concern when I think of Tae as an adult with no sibling to consult and lean on. This burden I must leave to Tae and I would like the responsibility shared among other siblings.  He needs to have his own life, too.  Of course, there is no guarentee on how the future will unfold but it is my hope, wish and prayer that the siblings will get along and Luki will be well looked after. Lucas does not make for a good companion but is someone who needs to be cared for.  I feel a responsibility to do my part which is to have another baby and I leave the rest up to God and the choices my children will make in the future.  With good parenting and coaching, hopefully in the end, everyone will be happy and loved. With God's permission, I pray for a healthy baby and a pregnancy free of complications.  

Cleaned myself up!  

Thank you Tae for helping to make a birthday cake for mommy!

Dinner at Five Crowns, Corona Del Mar

Ahn Family Adventure Series: Summer 2020

 

A Belated Father's Day Visit.

A belated Fathers Day visit. When I purchased my dad's burial site many years ago, we visited his plot and my dad expressed to me his wish for me to visit his grave someday with my own family and have a meal while the kids ran around and played. Back then, as a single student, I didn’t even imagine being married let alone having my own kids but here we are today. Tae said he is enjoying his "picnic" and munched on fresh french bread with brie cheese and raspberries.  My dad's wish come true.  Forgot to take my dad's two favorite things McDonald's coffee and cigarettes.  Maybe next visit.  

A Collection of Dup15q Seizure Videos.

What great balance! 

  This blog entry is a pretty hard one to write because it chronicles the evolution of Luki's seizures.  Around 2014, the happy YouTube videos of him playing with toys, giggling and making progress with his speech and physical therapy were replaced by a starkly different set of videos of him being overtaken by various types of seizures. This is the age when he started having major tantrums as if he was in severe pain. The first type of seizures we noted at the age of 4 were of him spacing off for about 30 seconds followed by 1 to 2 hour naps.  These "complex partials" would increase in duration and frequency then disappear altogether for about 3 months then come back with a vengeance.   He would then have uncontrollable twitching episodes which scared me as much as it did Lucas (he is nonverbal so I can't really say for sure, but there was terror I saw in his eyes while they were happening).  Thankfully, he does not have these types of seizures anymore.  Appropriate medications have successfully eliminated almost all of these for two years now.  Knock on wood, they don't come back but  I am constantly on high vigilance and assessing his behaviors and mood to see if he has had any mild, visually undetectable ones.  A few weeks ago, we noted mild head drops followed by short naps making a comeback but a small adjustment in Banzel  and lamotrigine (two seizure medications he is currently on) dosing solved the problem. The neurologist suggested against started new AEDs until we max out on the ones we currently use. In the past.we tried Keppra and felbamate as well as CBD/fish oils but have ditched them all because these two AEDs are working incredibly well for him, for the time being.  The next one I want to try , if we need to add another,  is epdiolex currently on Kaiser's formulary.   Although head drop seizures were the shortest seizures  - a quick head drop with no need for long naps after, they were the most dangerous because he would fall and hit his head causing injuries to his face.  And, being the avid climber that he is, like most Dup15q children, he would usually fall from a high place and compound the severity of his injury which landed us in the ER several times.  

I am forever grateful to other parents of Dup15q children who experience seizures for sharing their enormous knowledge with me of medications that worked, or didn't. The cup of sorrow is best drunk in Company. I am also immensely grateful for the research driven by the Dup15q Alliance to determine the efficacy of various antiepileptic medications as well as collaborating with biotech companies and academia to champion clinical trials of medications that offer a more personalized approach for the Dup15q demographic. I am also grateful for advanced technologies that help assess and treat seizures like this piece of portable EEG equipment called Ceribell,  that can be used by nursing staff in an inpatient setting or by concerned parents at home.    https://ceribell.com/

2020: COVID 19 Quarantine Shenanigans

First movie made with PowerDirector 12.  I found a new toy and hobby!

A day at the Los Angeles Arboretum, Arcadia

Picking strawberries and blueberries in Temecula Berry Company 

Quarantine Fun at Home

Visiting Amy's Farm for fresh vegetables and petting the farm animals. 

Quarantine Easter fun at home.  

Quarantine fun at home hanging out with TaeTae and Luki

10 Years of Being a Floor Nurse.

                                               

In the raw. Stage one pressure ulcers don’t suit me. Ahhh.. so good to breathe after 12 hours of double masking. My first COVID intubation and rapid. Prayers for us all.

In high school, I worked the concession stands during weekends at the Cineplex Odeon, Beverly Center to earn some extra pocket money.  There as a young guy who worked the box office and fancied me so we went on a few dates.   Daniel was a brilliant young artist and he was getting accepted into one of the world's most prestigious art school,  CalArts in Pasadena.  When I told him I wanted to go away to UCSB for a Bachelors in Undeclared, he suggested I just attend a nursing school and become a registered nurse, just like his mom.  I don't know why I took so much offense to that at the time.  Here he is going off to an amazing school to pursue his dream of becoming a world renowned artist and he wants me to just become a nurse?! Just a nurse, How insulting! 

We parted ways after high school graduation and I've never heard from him again.  I wonder what amazing things he is doing now.  

Fast forward 25 year later and I am found a practicing  registered nurse for 11 years now.  I wonder if Daniel had some prophetic gifts he used to see into my future.  I arrived to this "calling" via a rather circuitous route and I've experienced so much of life before deciding to attend nursing school and I wouldn't trade the journey for anything. 

Carl Jung once said, "Everything before 40 is research.  You only start living at 40 on."


At times, I wonder how I arrived at my career destination and remained for 11 years as I clean vomit, urine, poop and other body excrement all night long for patients and family members who at times yell at me because of their own pain and fears, as I, all the while try to keep calm and act like the healing agent they need me to be.  I've been yelled at by overworked and frustrated doctors, management in fear of losing accreditation for the hospital and even by some burnt-out nursing collegues.  I've questioned my sanity and whether it was all just a waste of time.

Then, I remember the time I was there as a listening ear for the terminally-ill young man who was afraid his one year old daughter would lose all memory of him if he dies;  the homeless drug addict who cried and told me as I handed him a kleenex that he felt ashamed to let his successful daughter know where he is because he doesn't want to worry or disappoint her; the nonegenarian who died alone in the middle of the night with no one beside her except myself as I said a silent prayer for a peaceful passing; the terminally-ill mother of an 11 year old boy with autism worried about the care of her son after her passing and reassuring her of the vast resources available to help her son and encouraging her to visualize health and wholeness in her body; the mother of a terminally-ill 18 year old as she bear-hugged her son who writhed in pain where no analgesics could touch as I try to maintain my composure and be a healing presence that reassured her our team will do the best we can to find something that will ease the pain; the patient whose countenance was so beautifully benevolent even before he began to speak that I had to ask him what his profession was to discover that he is a psychologist who does art therapy with abused foster children.

I've come across pillars of society such as school teachers and politicians who were vile and disrespectful to all the staff and then to come care for a most benevolent construction foreman who worried about the employees under him who drank away their paychecks while their children and wives went without.  I know what bone-tired really feels like and have collapsed onto my sofa as soon as I get home after work snoring loudly as my toddler pries open my eyes wanting me to play with him.    I often tell myself I would rather deal with the excrement that comes out of human bodies than that that comes out of human hearts and mouths (my stint at working at a law office comes to mind).

And then there is Lucas.  Being a nurse has definitely prepared me better to take on the challenges of having a medically fragile child.  And, having a medically fragile child has made me a better and more compassionate nurse. 

In hindsight, I realize, my career choice wasn't a mistake after all, but an awesome honor and privilege. I was able to experience life and touch it in the most intimate way possible and it has broadened my perspective on life, death, illness, health and disability.   What a magnificent journey it has been. 

This journey was all definitely worth it.

My apologies to Daniel for not appreciating what he saw in me when I was a teenager.  

**************

   A student once asked anthropologist Margaret Mead, “What is the earliest sign of civilization?” The student expected her to say a clay pot, a grinding stone, or maybe a weapon.

Margaret Mead thought for a moment, then she said, “A healed femur.”

A femur is the longest bone in the body, linking hip to knee. In societies without the benefits of modern medicine, it takes about six weeks of rest for a fractured femur to heal. A healed femur shows that someone cared for the injured person, did their hunting and gathering, stayed with them, and offered physical protection and human companionship until the injury could mend.

Mead explained that where the law of the jungle—the survival of the fittest—rules, no healed femurs are found. The first sign of civilization is compassion, seen in a healed femur.