For my 47th birthday, my little family and I had a beautiful sunset picnic at the beach.
As Tae and I waded by the water, a very rude man walked over and said to me, "hey mom, did you know your child is playing in front of a severed fish head?" I didn't hear the fish part and frantically ordered Tae to get out of the water. Sensing the distress in my voice, the man advised me to teach Tae the circle of life and about life and death. I told him no, he is only three. We already killed a beta and two goldfish at home whose carcasses I secretly buried in the back garden. He seemed irritated with me and suggested I tell him the truth "for once in my life" .. I have never met this man in my life. I realized two things at that moment. First, I felt a surge of gratitude on how absolutely lucky I am to have Gabriel in my life for 10 years now and that I didn't marry an asshole like this guy in front of me. Gabriel is the one for me and although we have had our moments of mutual irritations, we are adequately amicable to get along well enough. Doesn't sound too terribly romantic, but I'll take kindness, generosity and patience over romance any day.
The second realization was that on my 47th birthday, I found a huge severed fish head which literally floated right in front of me from the great vast Pacific ocean. I saw this as a scary omen at first but discovered that Jewish and Chinese traditions view fish heads as great symbols of fertility and fruition of dreams and ambitions. Gabriel and I have consulted a fertility doctor after almost a year of trying to conceive and I had 14 vials of blood drawn the previous day as well as iodine contrast injected into my uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure everything is still working as it should. Gabriel is due for a sperm count next week. Could this fish head be a sign that we will have another baby this year?
So why have another baby at 47? I never ever planned on having a baby past 40 but then again I never planned on having a special needs child who requires care for the rest of his life. I always experience pangs of guilt and concern when I think of Tae as an adult with no sibling to consult and lean on. This burden I must leave to Tae and I would like the responsibility shared among other siblings. He needs to have his own life, too. Of course, there is no guarentee on how the future will unfold but it is my hope, wish and prayer that the siblings will get along and Luki will be well looked after. Lucas does not make for a good companion but is someone who needs to be cared for. I feel a responsibility to do my part which is to have another baby and I leave the rest up to God and the choices my children will make in the future. With good parenting and coaching, hopefully in the end, everyone will be happy and loved. With God's permission, I pray for a healthy baby and a pregnancy free of complications.
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