Due to the pandemic, this is the first time in 10 years we did not stay at UCSB Alumni family Vacation Center, but the Ramada in Goleta did not disappoint! Can’t wait to get back next summer!
Stearns Wharf-Natural History Museum-Ramada Hotel-Moxie Museum-Goleta Beach-Bacara Resort
A work colleague asked me a while ago why I don't post as many pictures and stories about my older son on social media as I do of my younger one. He has seen my older son at a Christmas party and is, I am sure, very aware that my older son has intellectual disability and needs a seizure helmet for protection. At the party, we needed to sequester L at an adjoining room to where all the festivities were happening because L could get into sensory overload quite easily with all the noise. I'm not sure why my gut reaction was to take offense to his comment. I took it as him assuming that I don't post much about L because I am ashamed of him, which is very far from the truth. Does he even realize I started getting active on social media because of L's condition? Most of my social media pictures have been about L until his little brother came along 4 years ago. Why was he taking tally of how many posts and photos I share of L versus his little brother, anyway? I didn't answer his questions because well...how do you answer that when it isn't even true? What was the answer he was looking for from me, anyway? And, I don't want to be in a defensive mode because I'm too tired explaining myself to people who already have negative assumptions about me. Maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe he really didn't have negative intentions about what he asked. When it comes to L, I can get overly-sensitive to comments, questions and innuendos but it instinctively comes out as a protective mom. Truth be told, I don't post as much now as L gets older because I am getting more and more protective of him from a whole bunch of people who speak without thinking first. I'll share a few unsavory encounters below.
I remember someone asked me in an overly-caring display of concern about L and asked how was her "little guy" doing these days. I looked into her eyes and I just didn't see the same depth of concern that matched the concern in her words. I saw someone who really didn't care and was internally mocking me and looking at me and L as being less than. She then proceeded to share some horror stories of how children with special needs were abused in nursing homes she worked for in the past and how a distant family had a son with autism back in her country and all the strange and weird things he does. I didn't find her stories comforting, encouraging or supportive at all but maybe she believed they were. In fact, they made me angry, fearful and offended. Sometimes, what people say and what I see in their eyes totally do not jive and this was one of those encounters which sent shivers up my spine. If you don't care about someone, then why go out of your way to act like such a caring, saintly person? Is it to make yourself look good in front of others? It would be better just to not say anything at all! She kind of made me physically nauseous.
Again, maybe I'm overreacting and have it all wrong. Maybe she really does care but I'm over analyzing things. My intuitions about people have been on spot so many times in the past and I trust it more than what I see or hear with my senses.
I remember an encounter with a nurse colleague (yes, a healthcare worker who tends to the sick and disabled) who on the surface seemed to have compassion for her daughter's class mate with a physical disability then proceed to make mocking imitations of her movement and call her "that poor deformed child" as if there was nothing wrong with that! It took everything in me to not lunge because I need to stay our of jail for my kids.
Lastly, during a family dinner outing, a physician family member recommended a child neurologist at the local children's hospital who may have information about L's condition. At that point, I had researched day and night about L's condition and consulting his recommended neurologist would offer no new information or treatment. I was already connected to the Dup15q Alliance who offer the most expertise on the syndrome in the world. I politely declined his contact and he got angry with me! He seemed to take me as some ingrate and how dare I not take his advice! Sometimes, when people offer help it's not really to benefit the receiver but to make themselves look good.
I'm learning to let things roll over me and just brush things off, as best I can. When it comes to L though, it's hard to do and I simmer inside and think about encounters for days, weeks, and even years! Maybe next time I should be more brazen and snap back. I hope I don't burn bridges by doing that and I'd feel horrible if I were totally off the mark!
How would you handle such situations?
One of the reasons I love Instagram so much is that unlike my Facebook account where my newsfeed gets clogged with political rantings, complaints, negative comments about innocuous posts (it could be about the weather!), my feed is flooded with postings of happy moments, food, lovely travel pictures, inspiring sunsets and I get a generally positive vibe. A piece of toast and eggs can be made to look so beautiful and dare I say even inspiring! People tend to post the best part of their lives , even if slightly deceitful with all the filters and creative camera angles, the ruse is usually to present a better and more beautiful reality than what may actually be. Some people find the harmless deceit annoying. I find it refreshing,
I follow one mother of a special needs child who has four children, (mommy diary) She is open and honest about her depression and anxiety which started as post partem and after learning about her daughter's special needs. It's no secret she suffers inwardly and yet she posts some of the most inspiring pictures on Instagram. Her photo lighting and angles are always on point whether it be a beautiful family vacation to Hawaii or a mundane table with a teacup with paper and pen.
What people seem to not understand, at least in my opinion, is that a depressed person or one who views their lives as grim, boring or sad shouldn't post more grim, boring or sad content but should rather shine a positive light onto something not so positive. According to Summer Mcstravick and her work Flowdreaming. rather than waiting to feel happy after getting what one desires, one must already feel the emotions that come after getting one's hearts desire. She says that the universe responds to the energy being released by all individuals. If one is constantly emitting negative feelings out, the universe responds by matching that energy with more negative outcomes. But, if you emit positive energy even in a negative situation, the universe recognizes it and sends good things to match that energy. I've decided to feel like I've already won a mega million dollar lottery and not worry about money! Although that is far from the truth, it's an amazing feeling! Who knows, if Summer is right, mega millions should drop right from the sky onto my lap anytime!
So, if you are posting amazing content on Instagram but some petty-minded naysayer is criticizing you for not being truthful, don't listen to them, Continue to post amazing, beautiful and inspiring content even if your life isn't perfect. I need to witness your positivity, the world needs you, too!
Do you ever experience moments of "oh, I wish I would have said that" after an argument or when someone puts you down with their words or after the facts?
In late January of 2021, I was given an opportunity to apply for a job as a relief charge nurse on our unit (again). The turnover for this position was quite high and since I've worked in the unit for almost 12 years, this position has been opened more than 5 times. Nobody seemed to stick around. I wasn't very open to applying in the past as I liked working as a floor nurse taking the time to care for my patient load, minding my own business, helping out other nurses and staff when needed, staying out of trouble and although tired and exhausted, happily clocking out to go home. This time, for some reason I felt nudged to apply and take on more responsibilities in my position at work. I tried to ignore the feeling but every morning as I opened my Good Earth and Yogi brand tea bags that have pithy messages, I would recurrently find messages full of "change" and "participation" The first one read, "Change is the essence of life. Surrender who you are for what you could become" - Reinhold Niebuhr. Another one read, "Life is a flow of love, your participation is requested".
A few months back, a few coworkers hinted that I would do well in that position and that I should apply. At the time, I was hesitant and the position was given to someone else only for that person to finish training then resign from the position. A sign from God that maybe it is being reserved for me? It was a panel job interview comprising of two union reps, my unit manager, nurse educator and another unit charge nurse. On my drive over to the interview, it had just finished raining and I saw the most lovely rainbow right in front of me and I took it as a sign that all was well and that I am on the right path, careerwise. Even before the interview, the rainbow let me know I had already been given the job.
It was a pretty long interview which lasted an hour. One of the question that was asked was to describe a patient encounter which left a lasting impact on me. When under the hot seat, the most emotionally charged memory comes to mind and I shared an experience when I used therapeutic listening for a daughter of a stubborn patient who refused help and fell at home thus injuring herself and landing in the hospital. This encounter stuck in my mind as I also have a stubborn mother who does not listen to my wise counsel and lands herself in trouble. We were both experiencing the same emotions of frustration at our mothers and it was a healing exchange for both of us to commiserate in our shared experience. In hindsight, I wish I had shared two very special people I took care of that left an impression on me of good leadership and right attibute.
A man in his 60's with chest pain came in for a stress test to be scheduled in the morning. As I performed night time care for him, we talked about his family and what he did for a living. He told me he was a foreman for a construction company (somewhat like a charge nurse). He shared how many of his employees drink away their paychecks while their wifes and children went without. This deeply troubled him and although limited in his capacity to force behavior changes, I appreciated his loving and caring presence and nudgings and I hope it left good impressions on the people working under him. As a foreman, he could have just not cared and dismissed their behavior as none of his business. Who cares how others live their lives and who they hurt? But, I'm glad there are people like him in the world that genuinely care and are troubled my suffering and injustices of the world. Just like nursing, leadership is an art form. From him, I learned about the style of leadership that I want to emulate which takes into account caring and respect.
Oh, and by the way, I got the job!
