Last Sunday at our Journey's meeting for parents of special needs children, we discussed the chapter in the book, Another Kind of Courage , addressing the challenges of keeping the marriage covenant when a special needs child shares in the dynamics between a couple. Honestly, a short chapter in this book doesn't do justice to the topic, someone should write a whole book on it. We discussed how different styles of communication between a man and a woman can sometimes lead to miscommunication or no communication at all, leaving spouses feeling unsupported and unheard. Gabriel shared how when he was young, his father told his brother and himself that it is not good for a man to be of many words; it is man's actions that count more that "lip service" with empty promises. It's true, Gabe's dad is a man of very few words and I can see how this trait has been passed down to Gabriel. I appreciate how Gabe so responsibly takes care of the family with all the little and important things that need tending as well as helping out with Lucas and I know he cares for me, too. I don't take any of that for granted and am so grateful for his steadfast character. And yet, at times, I have felt that something was amiss and could not quite put my finger at something off-kilter in my emotional landscape after Luki's diagnosis. Sunday's meeting has somewhat clarified what I could not understand on my own.
And this is what happened.
So, I shared a story of how Gabriel can be a man of few words, It was last month when I got new curtains for the kitchen and waited for an acknowledgment from him when he came home from work. I waited and waited when he said nothing and I thought he must not have noticed (how could he not? They are covering most of a wall in the kitchen?) Finally, when I asked about how he likes the curtains he just said, "they're nice". Had it been me, I would be asking all sorts of questions from the shade of color, to the material and cost. It just wasn't an important enough topic for him to talk about. It also opened my eyes to how much more he notices, feels and experiences internally - things that he may not verbally share with me. OK, fair enough about something trivial as the curtains but what about when you find out your child has special needs?
We have both grieved. And yet, my memory is remiss in recounting how Gabriel has grieved in his own way until another parent pointed out that Gabriel cried in our first Journey's meeting over a year ago. Hopefully, I didn't come off as someone self absorbed about my own suffering and that Gabe and I are having marital problems, lol! How is it possible that I can recount the sadness I felt these past 2 years and yet not be able to see the same kind of pain Gabe was experiencing? It came back to me that he, too, was in pain. That nagging feeling that something was off kilter in my mind was in fact, the sense of being lonely because I was grieving alone. And, so was he. I wonder if he felt lonely as well. Perhaps it's a cultural trait among Asians to be more stoic and reserved with emotions. I don't think Gabriel and I ever sat together and cried over and discussed the situation, heart to heart. Which is why I remember being somewhat shocked when he cried in the first Journey's meeting. No one can teach or tell another person how to grieve. It is so individual and I'm learning we do it alone. What's important is to walk alongside the person and just be there when they need you. Hopefully, grieving can be a positive avenue to emotional health and we can go through it without falling into unconstructive escapes - God knows there are so many from alcohol, drugs, shopping, working too much, social media, facebook (my own weakness).
As we walked home after the meeting, I apologized and asked if I made him uncomfortable for putting him on the spot during the meeting and whether he felt thrown under the bus. He just laughed about it (so love how he has a thick skin) and we vowed to try praying together at least once a week as a way to check in with each other.
As I was surfing Facebook the other day (I know, I know), I came across this man belong. Not sure who he is or even what religion he represents. But, I love his funny, simple and practical answer to the question of, "How do you make a marriage work?"
