It's Dinnertime at the Ahn Household.

My very responsible and dependable husband who always pays the bills on time and makes sure we are kosher with the IRS every year, has an annoying habit of sometimes repeating what I stated back to me.  As one example, the other night I stated that I have an EKG test in the morning as I checked the wall calendar.  A few minutes later, he repeated the obvious to me and said, "you have an EKG test tomorrow" as if I needed reminding or as if he wanted to claim that he knew before me.  This happens periodically and it annoys and baffles me as to his motivation but still, he has enough redeeming qualities for me to overlook this pet peeve of mine and keep him.   My little seven-year-old son cannot finish a meal by himself unless he is near starving without me having to feed him.  He sees Lucas, my 13-year-old special needs son being fed every meal and assumes that it is the parents' job to feed him, as well.  I have stated many times that he is quite capable and different from Lucas who needs extra help but at every mealtime, he starts eating independently but then refuses to finish his meal and would rather play or watch videos.  This kid just doesn't eat much to begin with.  Not wanting to waste food, I end up feeding him until he is done. Otherwise, his leftover becomes my dinner and many times I have felt like the human garbage disposal and although I could get a fresh plate of food for myself, the thought of waste doesn't sit well with me. The beneficial side of this habit, beside not wasting food, is that I have lost weight as my portion size has shrunk. 

Yesterday, Lucas came home with a note from school suggesting that he may have had a seizure in class and that he was very upset and screaming for a few minutes.  Doctors may not have classified his screaming fit as a type of seizure but I am convinced the times he stomps, screams (as if it pain or in abject torture) and biting his finger are a yet unclassified seizure type.  It isn't what is already known such as absence, tonic-clonic, head drop or myoclonic.  If I had to name what I witness, I would call it the scratch-and-pull-mommy's- hair- as-I-hit-scream-and-stomp-and-as-if-I-want-to-crawl-out-of-my-skin seizure type. That is quite the adjective no professional would use so maybe the closest could be "tonic-clonic, type 2" or some such nondescript clinical name which absolutely does no justice to what actually transpires during one of these spells. 

 Before dinner, out of the blue and unexpectedly, Lucas had one of these seizures which lasted for 30 minutes.  We are closely surrounded by houses on all sides and so to prevent any suspicion of child abuse (God forbid some Karen would call CPS) we immediately shut all windows and doors. I should know better than to try to hold him or calm him down but doing nothing and just watching makes me feel so helpless and useless and within seconds he has grabbed my hair and pulling it ferociously and has scratched my legs and arms.  Imagine someone drowning in the high seas and they are grabbing onto any raft for dear life.  That is exactly how I would describe Lucas in this seizure type.  Einstein was right, time is relative and 30 minutes can feel like an eternity with no end in sight.  Usually, I can accept his condition with a sense of defeat and resignation but this time, I felt enraged that he has to suffer so horribly, and I have to be injured; his little brother has to be startled and scared and his dad has to feel helpless.  Without meaning to or even conscious of my actions, I projected all my rage and anger to the two people I love the most beside Lucas which is Tae and my husband. My short Korean temper got the better of me and I yelled at Tae for not ever finishing his meals by himself and not cleaning up after his toys.  I screamed at Gabriel for stupidly repeating things I have already stated.  I might have kicked a few items on the floor, too for added effect. They both fell to silence, stared at me and proceeded to quietly finish their food. 

This is the first time I really wished his syndrome away.  The first time I said I wish he never had Dup15q Syndrome and all the crazy seizure crap that goes with it and that he were just a normal boy who says things like "I love you, mommy". He is 13, almost as tall as I am and with a kung fu grip that gets powerful during fight-or-flight situations such as fighting for your life during an electrical firestorm in your brain. How will I manage him going forward as he continues to grow?  

When the ordeal was done, Lucas was back to his sweet self and even gave me his beautiful trademark smile and a few giggles.  I was so relieved to see him back to his cheerful self but I was still very angry, angry, angry.  It was as if a switch had been turned off and as if the incident never happened to him.  I couldn't and didn't do much for him but I wanted to make sure I was there for him no matter what, even if I got injured because that is all I can do, just be there as a standby witness to the torture so he wouldn't have to endure it alone.  That is the highest manifestation of how I can show my love for him.  Witnessing a loved one going through something horrendous can be just as tortuous as for the one going through the ordeal.  And it wrings my heart that I can't do more.  The happy ending for me was seeing him smile and although he can't talk, it was as if he were saying, "thank you for being with me through this".  

The next day I apologized to Tae for yelling at him during dinner and explained that it's because mommy doesn't like to see Lucas sick and having seizures and he replied, "It's ok mom. Don't worry, I understand.  I forgive you." For being 7, he had to grow up fast and develop deeper insights into situations than I had wished.  Hopefully, though, that is a good thing.  

So, there you have it, an exciting dinner time at the Ahn household with me, my husband, two boys and Dup15q Syndrome.  If I host a supper party, would you come?

Special Needs Parenting and the Korean Drama, "Move to Heaven"

 There is a joke among special needs parents that goes something like this, " I haven't slept in decades due to my child's insomina/seizures, etc... so I will sleep once I am dead".  Of course, the initial thought that runs through the mind of a parent of a special needs child after getting a diagnosis is, "I can never die!"  You develop a weirdly dark sense of humor while living through this journey, but it helps to keep me sane if not entertained...or does it?.  

I just binged on what I consider to be one of, if not, the best Korean drama series on Netflix I've ever watched called Move to Heaven.  The plot centers around an adopted autistic young man who was raised by a single father and make a livelihood through the family "trauma cleaning" business. The mission of this business is to clean out the homes of people who died alone and whose bodies were discovered days or weeks later.   One day, the father dies unexpectedly from a heart attack leaving the young man alone in this world until a long lost "uncle" recently released from jail is assigned a trial guardianship for three months.  The remainder of the plot revolves around the two characters as they learn about life and death, love and loss as they gather precious mementos from their deceased clients.  There won't be any spoilers from me here.  It is so profound and beautiful that any commentary on it here would do it no justice.  I don't really watch many Korean dramas but series like this is why the whole world is addicted to Korean Dramas. You have to watch this. The acting, the creative story line, the emotions that are conjured up from grief, inspiration, happiness, wisdom... it can all be very sad yet very healing to watch at the same time.  I was initially drawn to the series as a mother of a child with cognitive delays and autism as one of its main characters has autism and I cried and cried on many episodes about his sudden predicament, but I came away with so much more.  It's as if my heart exploded a little with each episode. 

Plus, I found my first "oppa" actor who blew me away, Lee Je Hoon, and I am such a fan!!! 

Begpackers, Travel Vloggers and the Journey to Self Awareness

 

Ulsan, S.Korea

There is a recent controversial trend among young, middle-class youth in the West who travel around the world, particularly in Southeast Asia without any money but sell trinkets such as bracelets and postcards or beg for their travel expenses from the local people of the countries they visit. Many denounce this practice as being irresponsible and unfair as they take away revenue from local people who make a living by selling similar goods to travelers.  There are others who post travel vlogs on Youtube and solicit donations for food and lodging from their viewers in exchange for sharing their travel experience.  One such vlogger I came across by the name of Nick K bicycles his way around Asia and asks for monetary donations or a "hot shower host" for when he needs a place to crash or wash up.  Apparently, this practice is very common among cyclists who journey far distances.  After teaching English for 11 years in Japan, Nick has cycled his way all over Japan, Indonesia and Taiwan and has cycled from Pusan to Seoul, South Korea.  His adventure was noticed by the Korean news medias and he has become somewhat of a celebrity, so much so, that he went viral with over 1.7 million views and people recognize him on the roads and offer him drinks and snacks.  His videos are such a sensation, he decided to travel from Seoul back to Pusan using an alternate route.  Although it seemed a bit strange to be asking his viewers to fund his journey, I actually really enjoyed his videos so much that I donated a small amount to cover "a cup of coffee" in gratitude for the positive message about humanity.  

What I really love about his videos is his genuine openness and appreciation of the places he visits and the people he meets and how local people reciprocate with kindness and curiosity.  I have only watched vlogs from his Korea travel, but I always come away feeling warm inside knowing that there are so many good, kind, decent and hospitalable people in the world (well, at least in Korea).  Every day he encounters simple acts of kindness like a passing car handing him a can of coke, or an innkeeper sharing a slice of cold watermelon on a hot and muggy August night in Korea, then with care, placing it on a stick so it would be easier for him to hold.  Other encounters include a local family giving him a free place to sleep or "hot shower hosts" letting him stay at their place for free, an elderly couple sharing their mung bean pancakes on the side of the road and other hosts taking him out for amazing dinners, notably the Kbbq experience. I watch every episode with my mouth wide open at how good and kind people can be and it is so refreshing to see something so good about humanity in contrast to what I see daily on the evening news.  I'm not sure how safe it is to travel solo across America given the higher rate of crime, distrust of others created by the current political climate but if one is plugged into that subculture, I'm sure goodness can be found here, too.  Nick had a "hot shower host" in Daegu who cycled solo across America.  I would love to see his videos, but I don't think he made any but there is a lady who cycled over 80 countries by herself (click for link ). I donated a small amount to show my gratitude to Nick sharing such a positive experience and it gives me hope for humanity, especially right now when everything seems so off kilter and plain nuts.  

Inspired by a recent Mel Robbins podcast when she asked a man who hiked solo across the Appalachian Rockies, "what did you learn about yourself from your journey" I asked Nick what he learned about himself and life from his travel.  I guess the question took him off guard because he laughed and maybe felt a bit self-conscious but he answered that he learned that humanity on the whole is really very good, kind and generous.  Now, if you haven't experienced or learned anything while on this Earth, isn't that the one thing to be proud to take back to God when you die instead of reporting how evil and wretched humanity is?  The guest on Mel Robbins show answered her that "you take your baggage with you".  Like the saying, "wherever you go, there you are", it's better to face up to your shit and deal with them as best possible, instead of trying to run away from them.  

During my senior year of college, as a foreign exchange student at the University of York, England, I attempted the "Coast to Coast" solo cross-country walk starting from the Irish Sea to the North Sea. I only made it out of the Lake District, which was probably the best part. The thing I learned that most sticks out in my mind and has shaped much of my life after the walk, is the importance of family and community.  Walking for days alone in a foreign land with no sense of familiarity to anything, it became very clear to me the true importance of meaningful connections with people, friends, family and even strangers.  

I am fortunate enough now that I can travel with some comfort with my husband and two boys but traveling while young, on a very limited budget, allows to you see and experience things you wouldn't otherwise be able to in comfort. 

Korea Trip Log Summer 2024: Ahn Family Adventure Series

 Seoul bound! Heading first to LAX then Inchon airport and to our air BNB Artmonstay at Myeongdong for check in! We will be losing a day from the time difference but hopefully the boys will not be too jet lagged. Dinner at the historic Mah Jang meat market for Hanwoo beef, Similar to Kobe or Wagyu beef. We purchase our meat from the market and take it to the various restaurants upstairs who will give you a table with a charcoal grill, side dishes and a selection of beer or soju. Liam said it was the juiciest meat ever.

Artmonstay Air BNB at Myeongdong, our home in Seoul for a week. A bit hilly to get to but with incredible views and a site for K Drama filming. We explored our neighborhood, ate at a Michelin rated restaurant for lunch ( without breaking bank) #myeongdonggyoja, stopped by Olive Young for K beauty stuff for me, people watched, enjoyed buskers, caught an amazing show, Nanta and then took an Uber back to our stay! It was a full and fun day!

 Cafe culture in Korea is quite a sight to behold and experience. There’s so much creativity and charm in each cafe we visited. This is an old theater converted into Starbucks. A place for gathering, people watching and live entertainment.

Korea trip log 13: Starfield library

 we made it to the historic city and my birth place, Gyeongju. We picked up halmoni from the nursing home and visited Bulguksa temple ( or as Liam says “bulgogi” temple) and Seokguram grotto, a UNESCO world heritage site. Over a thousand years old, these spiritual sites were made in the Shilla dynasty and is still a functioning Buddhist temple.

 outdoor library at Cheong Gye Cheon stream in the middle of the hustle and bustle. The water is soo clean and the area is very peaceful, Liam and I grabbed a book and relaxed with our feet dipped in the cool, refreshing water.

A day trip to GapYeong Rail Park was so worth it! Amazing views of farms, mountains, rice patties, imaginative tunnel displays, rivers and streams, raspberries all along the route, clean air, amazing sunset, waving to farmers (and them waving back!) Liam said this was his favorite part of the trip so far!

We took a day trip to Nami Island, the filming site for the famous K drama, Winter Sonata. What a change from the hustle and bustle of 10 million people living in Seoul central!

A surprise trip to Little Italy for pasta and petit France for ice cream! Story goes that a rich businessman had a penchant for collecting Italian and French antiques and decided to open a “museum”. Beautiful scenery and yummy food!

 A fun day with halmoni at Gyeongju and Bomun lake! We had jjajiangmyun which I was craving and rode the swan boat.

Today’s itinerary included a visit to the Dongdaemun Design Plaza and Children’s Grand Park and museum. Liam got in some piano practice and also learned how to navigate around the subway system!

Today we visited Garden of the Morning Calm, about 45 minutes outside of Seoul. It is my favorite garden to visit in the world! So peaceful, calm and healing. I could stay here all day.

We visited the National Children’s Museum which the kids loved. There are so many fun interactive displays!

 We made it to Ulsan, a port city, and are staying at an air BNB above the Mercure hotel on the 30th floor. The apartment and views are amazing and has easy access to the pebble beach below! It also has a room with an adjustable bed and bedside table perfect for my mother. One thing about Korea I noticed is that everyone is so deferential and thoughtful to the elderly.

Spent the day at the Royal court at Gyeongbokgung palace. It’s so fun to see people from all over the world dressed in traditional Korean clothes walking the palace grounds.

First Grade Memories

Easter Egg Hunt and Party .  What a joy it was to help Ms. Croyt's first graders decorate their own Easter Cookies!  They really did a great job!

First Grade field trip to La Habra Children's Museum. The whole school also went to see the production of Music Man by the junior high students of the La Mirada campus.  

This year, Liam received the music award  (his piano lessons are paying off!), Computer award and the Fruit of the Spirit Award for joy and goodness!  Liam received two awards for third quarter.  The first one is for computer which shows Cod Ninja classes on Saturday mornings are paying off!  The second, and more important award, is for joy and goodness.   His teacher said he finds joy in everything and is so excited to share what he has learned with his friends.   He always looks to do the fair and right thing and makes sure everything is right with his friends.  I couldn't have asked for a better award and I am so proud of him.   

Lucas received an award for maintaining a GPA above 3.5.  Not sure how they determined that but so proud nonetheless!

 

Autism Awareness Month at LifeSong Community Church 2024

 

15 years of Service

I love this story about Margaret Mead. 

Years ago, anthropologist Margaret Mead was asked by a student what she considered to be the first sign of civilization in a culture.  The Student expected Mead to talk about fishhooks or clay pots or grinding stones.  But no.  Mead said that the first sign of civilization in an ancient culture was a femur (thighbone) that had been broken and then healed.  Mead explained that in the animal kingdom, if you break your leg, you die.  You cannot run from danger, get to the river for a drink or hunt for food.  You are meat for prowling beasts.  No animal survives a broken leg long enough for the bone to heal.  A broke femur that has healed is evidence that someone has taken time to stay with the one who fell, has bound up the wound, has carried the person to safety and has tended the person through recovery.  Helping someone else through difficulty is where civilization starts, Mead said, "We are at our best when we serve others.  Be civilized.  

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15 years of service as an RN and what an incredible ride the last 5 years has been! I will never forget the patient with COVID on maximum BIPAP on the verge of death because there was no ventilator available for her and deciding to prone her heavy body (despite my colleagues' insistence that it was futile) just long enough for her husband to be by her bedside for their last goodbye. I will never forget the suicidal patient who, while strapped down by 6 security guards onto the bed, cried out that this world was not worth living because there was no love for him in it and lovingly telling him, while holding his hand tightly, that I loved him and that he deserves a second chance in life. I will never forget how he whispered the most sincere thank you to me as the tears flowed down his face. I will never forget the grief-stricken roomful of family mourning the death of their loved one in the middle of the night who could not leave the hospital without a proper prayer by a clergy and with no chaplain available, leading a prayer of safe and peaceful transition for the dead amidst hushed sob as we held hands and encircled the deathbed. It has truly been a privilege and a heavy responsibility, and I pray God sees my sincere heart in doing good with the gifts and talents He has given.

 

Cody Dorman and Cody's Wish

 

Wow! Animals see the world through spiritual eyes and can sense the presence of a magnificent soul. It is a privilege to witness the beautiful connection between Cody Dorman and Cody’s Wish.

"Who we really are is this magnificent human that you know is YOU who is on this journey. There is so much more to you that is your soul or your higher self. For all of us, our ultimate purpose for being here is our own self-realization; to realizing the love that we are, the power that we are, the divine being that we are ..to allow our expansion, to allow ourselves to fully express who we are, to allow the experiences that we want to have and we cause our own suffering when we think we know what another's soul's journey should be. We don't know why a particular soul has chosen to incarnate into a particular family that may have abuse that they continue to pass down unconsciously... There is a beautiful story in the horse world regarding a child named Cody Dorman with a debilitating disease who was not doing well at the time and he wanted to meet a race horse so a Make a Wish foundation found a horse farm in Kentucky where he lived. He went up to this pasture of yearling horses, and this one little colt came and put his head into Cody's lap and they actually named that horse Cody's Wish. Cody lived many more years because he wanted to see this horse race. The horse was winning and they kept showing the story to Cody. When Cody wan't doing well they took him to see the horse. Cody's Wish's final race was called the Breeder's cup out in Californa and Cody Dorman actually flew there and in a close race, Cody's Wish won. On the flight home, Cody Dorman passed away and made his transition. I've have never been more inspired by any story that I can remember. I look at Cody Dorman and see what a powerful, old, evolved, enlightened, courageous, amazing soul he is to come into that body and leave his legacy in the hearts of so many people and inspire so many people. You can look at that and say," oh its awful that this child was born with this disease which he wasn't' expected to live past a couple of years old" or, you can see the incredible love, inspiration and legacy that he has left.. we don't know what another soul's journey is.. . Sometimes its the most courageous beings that choose to incarnate into the most difficult situation. " -Sara Landon