It must feel awfully uncomfortable to have to wear diapers all the time, especially on hot days when one is already sweaty and bothered. At one point, L would urinate on demand but we got lax with the therapy once a new baby arrived and now even with the timer on every hour, it is hard to get him to use the toilet. Every time we have him stand by the toilet, I find his pull up is already wet. He is at home a lot these days as there are new cases of kids with Covid he has been exposed to at school. I'm taking advantage of this time with him home to see if I can get him to use the toilet on demand again but it is getting harder to do than when he was younger. At one point, we would immediately take him to the toilet after getting up in the morning and he would urinate. I'm really close to giving up trying but then I remember a recent incident with the poop and I get even more determined to have him trained.
I'd like to spare the full detail of what happened as I feel it would be disrespectful to him (in fact, I hesitated to write this whole blog entry for that same reason but misery loves company and it may help someone feel less alone going through this), but I remember cleaning poop from everywhere - the rugs, carpet, hardwood floor, banisters... as he ran around the house full of glee and joy! I thought he was having a great time and was proud he was able to entertain himself while I was busy in the kitchen only later to find he was having a poop fest! I almost felt as if he knew what he was doing was naughty and was gleefully doing it anyway knowing it would make me loose it. I'll never forget that feeling of utter defeat, anger, sadness as I lashed out at Gabriel and the kids. Before I could even begin to clean, I had to step out of the house to cool myself down and give myself a little pity party. Later, that day, I wondered if I overreacted and felt a bit of guilt but then my better sense got a hold of me and I clearly heard, "no, you did not overreact. What is the appropriate response to finding poop smeared all over your house, anyway? " I'm going to believe it was an angel that whispered those words to me. So, I decided to give myself some grace and move on. And, I decided to have L wear onesie pajamas when he is home and I can't watch him like a hawk all the time.
It has been helpful that I'm used to cleaning poop as a nursing professional. I'm also actually grateful for having a really tough childhood (I never thought I'd live to say those words!) but it has made me more resilient and able to emotionally better navigate through tough situations like that shitty day. It would have been much more emotionally difficult for me had I never cleaned adult diapers or never had to live through very tough situations early on and I wonder how other moms with no exposure to both are able to cope with such situations. I still have bad days but I reason, if I've lived through so much "shit" already, I could live through this incident. That is always my rationale for getting through everything in life!
A much more worrisome concern I have though is who would love my boy as he is? Will the world make some room for him to belong and be loved when I am gone? When even his own mother can lose her shit, will others be more patient?
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