Currently, I am reading and studying the book Unbroken Faith by Diane Dokko Kim. Buy book here. The back cover of the book states that "... Diane Dokko Kim comes alongside you as a fellow special-needs parent to help reconcile the premise of a good God with the devastating realities of raising a disabled child". I am in the middle of the book but decided to write down all the questions at the end of each chapter to ponder and answer at a future date. It would be nice to share the answers with other parents in a small group setting of a church but currently, we are not attending church since our move last month. I miss our old small group of special needs parents back in Rosemead. We are still "church shopping" and I pray we will find belonging soon.
Sometimes, especially in the beginning of this journey, it is hard even to formulate the questions one needs to be asking. These questions help to get the mind thinking and sort out feelings, clarify our attitude towards a diagnosis and discover where one stands with God. Diane states that "suffering is a blaze that either purifies untested faith or melts it down and dissolves in completely". Hmm...I wonder where my faith will be in the end.
I'm not sure why I felt having an intellectually disabled child was the worst thing that could ever happen to my family when in hindsight, I recognize fates just as bad or worse. There are families that have children living with cancer. A mother once lamented to me that her son was extremely belligerent and oppositional defiant to anything she says. There are parents whose hearts are broken in pieces because their child is in jail for murder, rape, theft, gang affiliations, drugs. There are parents whose children are missing or murdered. It's really unfair to say one suffers more. It all hurts in different ways but pain is pain. "The world breaks everyone and afterward some are strong at the broken places" (Ernest Hemingway) ...And some are just broken. We all are presented with unique opportunities to find out who we are and where we stand with God.
It's easy to justify my suffering by saying I didn't sign up for this particular experience. Why me? Why did this happen? But maybe I did sign up for it and I just don't remember it. Maybe it was all agreed upon with God, the angels and my spirit before I ever incarnated into this physical world. Maybe it was agreed that this would be one of my assignments here on Earth. I've heard it said that the Earth is like a classroom with various grades and levels of difficulties. Some souls are here learning at an elementary level while others are working on a level of a PhD. The course I am on has been tough and full of pain and sorrow. That’s not to say that more suffering equals a higher level of understanding, maybe one is just suffering with nothing gained. I wonder what my "grade" is...
Anyway, without further adieu, here are the questions.
Chapter 1: Good News, Great Fear. "Do not be afraid!"
1. What was your initial reaction-thoughts or feelings- to the news of your child's diagnosis? How did you respond?
2. what are your biggest fears or worries for your child's future and that of your family?
What is your "Bethlehem"? What are the next steps you can take to support your child and family while working on your faith?
Chapter 2: What more could I have done?
1. In what significant or unique ways did you prepare for your child's arrival?
2. How have you had to adjust your expectations and plans for your child and family?
3. How is God shaping your character or challenging your ideals about parenting?
Chapter 3: Wrecked: From Hallowed to Hollowed "This Is Not the Way It's Supposed to Be!"
1. What were some initial indications of "Something's just not right" in your child's development?
2. What "should have been" do you grieve the loss of? What expectations, hopes, or dreams do you fear can no longer be?
3.What "new thing" might God be building for you? What work of rebuilding and redemption is God working in you?
Chapter 4: Permission to Grieve. "Where do I go with my pain?"
1. In what ways are you processing your pain, anger or grief? Where or to whom have you turned? Are there healthier or more productive alternatives to foster emotional healing?
2.Have you given yourself permission to grieve? Have you told God honestly how you feel, or do you feel unable to turn to Him?
3. Take a moment to list all your areas of grief and perceived loss, Speak authentically and honestly with God, knowing He understands and shares your pain.
Chapter 5: Leaning In, Not Away. Angry "with" God
1. What circumstances or settings trigger extreme reactions for you?
2. Are you angry at God or with Him? How would they look different for you? In being angry with God, what might you think, feel, say, or do differently?
3. Who or what can help you safely work out your feelings of grief and being overwhelmed? Identify safe people or places where you can retreat.
Chapter 6: Writing Our Own Psalms. "Don't You care, God?"
1. Where do you go with your anger? Have you directed your feelings up? Or have you been leaking sideways? Where or to whom might your grief be unfairly spilling?
2. Which of the psalms resonates most with you? Which verse might you claim as your own?
3. Write out your own book of psalm - real, raw, and unpolished. What will you heave heavenward before the Lord?
Chapter 7: Our Personal Peniel. "Broken" Child, Broken Parent.
1. In what ways are you broken? Over which wrenched expectations do you wrestle with God? Which blessings are you demanding to be restored?
2. What is God working to wrest out of you, to create space for new blessings he wants to pour into you? What greater work might He be trying to accomplish through your struggle?
3. How is your faith, character, identity or purpose being challenged or transformed through your child? What blessings or insights have you gleaned?
Chapter 8: Trapped by the Impossible. "Did You lead us out here to die?"
1. Recall a past "Red Sea" experience - a personal storm or time of barrenness- where you felt trapped. What did you find on the other side? What past providences reassure you of God's future faithfulness?
2. What pressing impossibilities do you face today? What do you feel trapped by? What merciful redirection might providence be leading you to?
3. How is God working on your character, motivations, and faith through "impossible" situations to prepare you for greater things to come?
Chapter 9: Couldn't vs. Wouldn't. "If only You Had Done Something!"
1. What are your "if onlys" where you wish God would intervene? When your desires don't appear to align with God's plan, what else might He be seeking to accomplish?
2. Which is more difficult to accept, that God can heal or that He won't?
3. What higher purposes, unexpected blessings, or gifts are being revealed in your faith, character, family, and/or community through God's "noncompliance"?
Chapter 10: Good Gifts. "Why won't You fix this? Don't You care?"
1. How do you define a "good" gift? In contrast, how would God define a good gift?
2. Reflect on a previous season of trials. What unexpected "good gifts" or blessings came from them?
3. What situations do you wish God would fix? What is your perspective on discipleship through hardships? How can we trust in God's goodness despite feelings and circumstances that tempt us to conclude otherwise?
4. How is God disciplining and maturing you through your present struggles? What "harvest of righteousness" is being born through them? What good - "that which He loves" - is God accomplishing, by permitting that which He hates?
Chapter 11: Close to the Brokenhearted. "Why Won't God Intervene?"
1. Reflect on a time when your child was struggling. Did you intervene immediately or wait? Why? What wisdom or benefit was there to withholding immediate help?
2. Who are the spiritual siblings you can lean on for backup?
3. If He does not intervene immediately, what might He be up to instead? What might God be developing in you in the meantime?
Chapter 12: Lord, Pick Someone Else! "Me? A Special-Needs Parent?"
1. In what ways do you feel "unqualified" for special-needs parenting?
2. How is God stretching and shaping you to grow and overcome your shortcomings? How is He qualifying you for the call? What is one area where you can exercise stepping out in faith and obedience, despite feeling inadequate?
3. In what ways has God already proven that He is greater and more than sufficient to cover your inadequacies?
Chapter 13: Unschooled and Ordinary Men. "But I'm not qualified for This!"
1. What do you fear most about parenting your child with special needs: Call out your fears and name them.
2. Are you hiding out in fear or avoidance? How, where, and why?
3. Do you perceive God's voice of comfort seeking you out? In what practical ways can you respond?
Chapter 14: Our Liabilities Leveraged. "I'm the wrong parent for this child!"
1. In what unique "peculiar" ways has God hardwired you that bless and serve your child well? What liabilities can God leverage into assets?
2. What's the best surprise blessing your child has brought into your life?
3. How is God using special-needs parenting to mold you in your faith, character, and relationships?
Chapter 15: Have to vs. Get to. "But I don't want to be special"
1. In what situations do you find yourself wishing, "Why can't we be like everybody else?" What can help you cope with this sense of "otherness"?
2. Do you view your child's disability as a dubious distinction, a divine designation, or both?
3. What unexpected blessings, experiences, or testimonies have emerged from "getting" to be a special-needs family?
Chapter 16: An IEP for Me. "Why me? It's not fair!"
1. In what areas are you tempted to compare your life with others? What feels "unfair" to you right now?
2. What are unique areas of weakness God might be working on? What goal, skill, or behavior is God working into your spiritual IEP?
3. In what ways is God speaking to you, "What about him/her/them? You must follow Me. "
Chapter 17: The Fellowship of Otherness. "No One Understands!"
1. What unique challenges do you face that you wish others understood better?
2. What can you do to fight feelings of isolation or loneliness. Who or where is your safe place?
3. In what unexpected ways has God shown that He sees you (El Roi God)? How has He demonstrated His ever-present care for you?
4. Have you connected with other special-needs parents who "get" what you're going through? If not, what might be your next step to connect with others?
Chapter 18: Compassion: Suffering with. "Sit with Me, for I Am overwhelmed"
1. What well-intended cliches, unhelpful comments, or unintended slights have you endured? What do you wish had been said or done instead?
2. Who do you have to "sit and keep watch" with you? To walk alongside, support, and pray for you?
3. Why is it difficult to accept help-much less ask for it-even when we are legitimately overwhelmed? How might God be challenging that resistance?
4. What might be the next step in establishing a support network for you, emotionally and practically? What's the next best thing you can do?
5. What would be your dream list for practical help? Write down your secret wish list. Prayerfully consider sharing the list with trusted friends or family who desire to help but my not know how.
Chapter 19: Jesus, Plus. "It this it? Or should we expect something else?
1. What other "plus" benefits, in addition to salvation, did you expect? What unspoken expectations do you now feel disability excludes you from?
2. What other purposes or "places of healing" might God be working to deliver in your life?
3. How might God be repurposing your "pluses" or idealized expectations to experience that which only He can deliver? Where is God trying to redirect your attention-new blessings you may be unable to recognize-due to your insistence on the pluses?
Chapter 20: When God won't behave. "Never, Lord!"
1. Are you committed to holiness over happiness? Do you insist on how Jesus should save or deliver you, or surrender to His higher purposes?
2. How is God repurposing your struggles to mold you into the image of Christ? How does suffering aid the process of sanctification?
3. What is an example of having every worldly comfort or luxury but lacking eternal peace and significance? Conversely, recall a prior experience of personal hardship or suffering that was paradoxically marked by the joy and transcendent peace of Christ.
Chapter 21: Life, Hijacked and Imprisoned. "What has happened to me...?"
1. What feels like "imprisonment" or limitations on your life today? Grief, frustrations, or hijacked ambitions? List them out and surrender them before the Lord.
2. What greater work is God accomplishing through these "chains"? What greater gifts might He be cultivating in the confines of your parenting.
3. Who are the Praetorian guards - friends, family, and community- who stand watch from front-row seats to your life: They bear witness to what God is doing in your family. What difference do they see in your countenance?
Chapter 22: Losing Our Way Along the Way. "What do we do now?"
1. Where are you in your walk with the Lord? Are you actively seeing, stumbling, or stopped as a result of your child's diagnosis?
2. How is Jesus drawing near and walking alongside you in ways you haven't recognized? What prevents you from recognizing His presence with you?
3. What questions, confusions, or doubts burn in your heart? What truth or clarity is God breathing into your current chaos?
Chapter 23: A Secure Surrender. "I can never die"
1. What hinders you from trusting that God has plans to "prosper" you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"? How can you respond to God's invitation to surrender worry about your child's future and experience His peace? What would surrendering control and being at peace look like?
2. How do you distinguish between your responsibility and God's sovereignty? What are the parts only you can do versus what only God can do?
3. What scriptures can you claim in faith for your child's future?
Chapter 24: Crisis and culpability. "Why was he born this way?"
1. In what areas have you been suffering from guilt? What regrets or fears have plagued you regarding your child's disability? What does the Word of God say?
2. What are the next steps you need to take for yourself, for your child, and for your family? Focus on what you need to do now rather than on factors you cannot change.
3. How is the redemptive work of God being displayed through your child's life? How is the grace of God being displayed in yours?
Chapter 25: Believing, Despite "What is the work of God?"
1. In what other areas can you experience miraculous healing? In what areas can you exercise faith where it's hardest" How might it look to choose hope over despair?
2. How can you go about seeking spiritual food that does not spoil? How can you curb your appetites to prioritize your soul, the spiritual over the physical and material?
3. How is God redefining your definition of miracle or blessing. Are there other significant miracles God has provided that you may have overlooked due to fixating on dramatic, physical healing? What blessings are others experiencing through your child o family? Take a moment to give thanks for these.
Chapter 26: Dumb Questions. "What do you want me to do for you?"
1. What do you want Jesus to do for you? Do you want to get well. not just your child to be healed? Are you equally urgent for your own spiritual healing and strength? God already knows what we seek. But He delights to hear from us, however halting or awkward our prayers may be.
2. What awkward questions is Jesus asking you? What deeper need or hidden disability of the heart is He probing and prompting you to address?
3. How is prayer and conversation with God deepening your dependence on Him ?
Chapter 27: Low Expectations. "what good could come from this?"
1. Name a past situation you dismissed as hopeless that God transformed into an unexpected blessing. How has a death or loss ended up being life-giving instead? List the ways God has used past pains to birth present blessings. Let these remind you of His faithfulness over today and tomorrow.
2. What expectations have you dismissed as hopeless? What do you struggle to surrender? Are there prayers you've given up on because you feel God is unresponsive, or because you've lost hope?
3. What is God asking you to do today, despite your skepticism, despair, or resignation? Is there an "envelope" you need to submit in faith? "What good could come from this?" Despite the pain of loss, what new thing might God be ushering in?
Chapter 28: Kingdom currency. "How can my child live a worthy life?"
1. How does the "normal" world define success or markers of a valuable life? In contrast, how does God's Word define blessing, success, or a life well lived?
2. How have your values and perspectives been challenged or changed as a result of your child's disability?
3. What is your greatest wish or prayer for your child's life, for your family, and for yourself?
Chapter 29: Inconceivably More. "How is this "blessed and Highly Favored"?
1. Today, what "pierces your soul" with terror, hope, pain, and wonder?
2. Identify a scripture to claim in advance, "to treasure and ponder" in your heart in the meantime.
3. In what ways have you been surprisingly "blessed and highly favored: in your special-needs parenting journey? How has God worked "for your good" (Romans 8:28), even now?
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