LifeSong Devotional Dec 6 2020
Thank you so much for being here today to share a time of fellowship and for
hearing my devotional story.
Today, I’d like to share a little bit about how God and His Word has sustained and inspired me in my role as a frontline nurse directly caring for COVID patients and also in my journey as a mother to a wonderful nine year old boy who has special needs. But first, I’d like to thank Brenda and Kimi for inviting me to speak today.. Special thanks to Brenda and all the aunties in the children's ministry for making efforts to accommodate Lucas who has developmental delays and autism .
About 3 years ago, my family which includes two boys Lucas, 9 and Liam, 4 and my husband, Gabriel, moved out to Chino Hills from Rosemead where we attended Evergreen Baptist Church of San Gabriel and we were searching for belonging in a church family and in our "church shopping", we found Lifesong and felt a quaintness and warmth that lead us to hang around longer. Unfortunately, due to COVID happening, we’ve had to keep our social distancing
By trade, I am a registered nurse working on the “floor” , as they say, in direct patient care. Recently, when
COVID erupted, I have seen much suffering of patients who have been
hospitalized due to the severity of their symptoms. These patients are isolated alone for weeks
in negative pressure rooms with no
contact with anyone except their nurses and doctors dressed in full isolation
gear: masks, face shields, gowns. We’ve
also been witness to less fortunate patients who have succumbed to the symptoms
and had to die alone from complications of their infections. I often think about the young man with
dependent children at home to support, the mother of a newborn who is now left
an orphan, the young 29 year old woman coding in the ICU then passing away a few hours later, the elderly who die alone. I won't forget the faces of patients who, full of hope transferred to the intensive care unit to get ventilated, and feeling a heaviness in my heart knowing that that is the last time I will see them alive. At my hospital, there is still a
refrigerated truck serving as an
overflow to the hospital morgue. In the face of death, I've witnessed emotions from bravery to terror and anxiety and it has impressed upon me the fragility of life and how miraculous health and wellbeing truly are and yet, how so many take it for granted.
I, along with my nursing colleagues, doctors, therapists and custodians, also have been frightened of contracting COVID when hospitals were short on personal protective equipment. Every day at work was, and is, like Russian Roulette, will I catch it today? tomorrow? Is my mask tight enough? Is what I am wearing enough to protect me? But when leadership and supplies were shortcoming, I witnessed the kindness and generosity from colleagues and community members as they diligently hand-sowed masks, made hair coverings or made makeshift face shields for "heroes" who work in the hospital fighting a menacing viral enemy. The wonderful Mr. Rogers once reminisced that in an event of a disaster, his mother advised him to "always look for the helpers". I've witnessed the best of humanity as businesses, church groups, individuals rally around frontline workers offering donated food, discounts and encouraging words of support. And all these efforts were not lost on me and they have helped so many of us pull courage and strength so we can keep going.
Going back a year ago to Pre-Covid times, who could have foreseen our world today of social distancing, constant hand washing, sanitizing, masking up and the loss of livelihood for so many people as we live on the brink of an economic unknown? COVID has revealed to our collective conscious, not just how miraculous our health is, but also the fragility of our political beliefs and our economic systems, and for some, a crisis of spirituality. It feels as if the whole world has been shook and turned upside down. Hopefully, the current world situation is to usher in a better future and systems to better manage pandemics in the future. As far back as biblical times, there have been plagues and famines and other destructions chronicled in the Bible and great stories of faith, courage, hope and resilience have arisen from them. In fact, God seems to use these afflictions to cull out from within humanity , the best it can be. The Bible and the promises kept within have been especially encouraging in times like this – when things aren’t always so rosy, when life throws curveballs and when it feels as if someone has pulled the bottom from under our feet. The bible is a living breathing book that has spoken to me in a myriad of ways and a meaning of a passage carries different effects on me in various predicaments I find myself in throughout my life journey.
This has been especially true when I learned of my first born son’s genetic condition called Dup15q Syndrome 8 years ago. Lucas has a chromosomal abnormality which predisposes him to severe seizures, renders him nonverbal and is completely dependent on the care of others for his daily needs including feeding and continence care. He knows no knowledge of danger around him and is completely reliant on the patience, kindness and love of those who look after him. Can you imagine an existence where you can’t talk to anyone, can’t control your own bowel movements, have no idea where you are or tell your loved ones you love them? I can’t imagine the kind of courage and strength it takes for someone to live in such a state and I wonder even as our world considers intellectually disabled people like Lucas as “less than” that God has chosen souls of great strength and courage for such an assignment to come to this Earth as teachers of love, understanding and compassion. And as his mother, I am humbled and at times brought to my knees and still wonder why God has picked out someone unworthy as myself for such as assignment. I’ve been told by many well-intentioned people that God gives disabled children to special people. Being a mother to such a special soul and knowing I am not special in any way to be chosen for such a role, I’ve learned that special children are given to any person who then have a choice to become special because of them, not the other way around. At times, I feel people like Lucas are here as a test from God to reveal who we are inside and who we can all become. I haven’t always felt like this and at first receiving the genetic report, I fretted and feared about the future and asked God why this has happened to us. Afterall, I am a good person !, I honored God, I studied, I volunteered, Why me, Why us, why MY son? During pregnancy, I didn't smoke, use drugs or drink alcohol. I didn't even drink coffee and yet I see so many who've done much more than I be blessed with children with no major issues. This experience has broadened and matured my understanding of God's ways and I've learned that doing good doesn't exempt me or anybody from suffering, that not all things are under my control no matter how good I try to be and that life happens to just about everyone. .
Matthew 5:45 says the Father which is in heaven....maketh. his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
This isn't because God is unfair, but because He has a special and unique purpose for each one of His children
The front entrance of our home is a revolving door of therapists, nurses, respite workers, assessors, and being in the care of others makes me feel very vulnerable and that still scares me. Our initial approach before Lucas’ diagnosis was that our family would be a self sufficient unit, it was us against the world, we would take care of our own and each other. Post diagnosis, we have had to be reliant on the kindness, patience and understanding of so many others, many of whom are strangers, to carry our family forward on a day to day basis. The lesson as a mother I have had to learn is to give up control, give others a chance to show their compassion and humanity and set aside my pride and humbly remain graceful in the position of receiving. There are times God calls us to serve/give and then there are times He calls us to gracefully receive and stay humble.
Ecclesiates 3 states:
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
And I would add to this list, if I could be so bold to do so, a time to give and a time to receive.
Receiving my son's diagnosis has meant death of a sort, a death of a dream for my son and I've had to envision a new one. From dreaming of an ivy league education, my goals for him are that of self feeding, dressing and continence.
Perusing through scripture for inspiration on a new dream for Lucas, I came across
Those Words from the Son of God have been a healing balm to this mother’s broken heart. My son has a grand purpose! Through his affliction, he is here to make known the Glory of God! Halleluja!
I've also learned that everybody's brokenness is so that the glory of God would be made known. It is hard to swallow such a statement when one is going through a season of difficulties but I remind myself that I need to always choose God, choose goodness because the world offers so many false alternative fixes and temporary bandages to heal a wound. There are so many aren’t there? Addictions, hatred, anger, self and other directed destruction. And to be honest, I still fet, get scared and worry at times especially when Lucas has scary seizures. Everyday, I practice being grateful for what I do have, always knowing God loves me and pray earnestly for what I want to change or manifest. I hope you, too, will never forgot that God is love, He loves you no matter what and through prayer and meditation on Scripture, you have the power to receive good counsel and change your life for good.
Going through my own afflictions similar to other parents whose children suffer a similar fate, has softened my heart to the suffering of others because I can feel their pain more acutely and intimately because I know first-hand what that feels like. Our understanding of our unique situations allow us to be a source of healing and knowledge to other parents out there who are suffering through a diagnosis. God knows, I've benefited and healed so much from precious experience and wise counsel of other parents who walk the same path. Does God give afflictions so that we can be a balm to others? In my world, the answer is a definite yes.
In the world of special education, there is an almost sacred document called the IEP - Individualized Education Plan which specifies all educational, therapeutic and care needs of a child during school hours. It maps out goals a child is expected to meet and if the goals are met (or not), a new IEP is crafted to the child so that we can bring out their maximal potentials. According to Diane Kim, a mother of a boy with autism and a special needs ministry leader, God provides a spiritual IEP for the parent to also learn, grow, and meet spiritual milestones such as unconditional love, patience, acceptance, advocacy and much more. God is right there with me in this journey and is tailoring a unique IEP for myself as the mom, too. And what a reassuring thing that is to know! He has His eye on me, too.
I still have no definitive answers as to why my son was chosen for intellectual disability and maybe I’m not supposed to know it all. God has his reasons, He gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. The only thing I can say with conviction and the only Truth I’ve learned so far is that God loves us. God's love has been my strength when my knees buckled in fear. God loves my son with his disability, God loves a mother and father’s aching heart. God is Love and God loves everyone, the sick, the sinful, the disabled, the hurting and broken, the blessed.
Someone once said you must consider everything as a miracle or nothing at all. Yet. So many of us take for granted the amazing gifts God has blessed our lives with. In this season of Advent, I hope you realize how miraculous it is that you can walk and talk and have control over your body functions. That is truly a miracle and a great gift from the Maker. And, if you are blessed to me a mother, know what an incredible gift you have been given when you hear your child say the words “I love you, mommy.”
So with that, May God's love carry you through this time of fear, anxiety and the unknown.
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