Self Care for a Weary Special Needs Mom?

For 4th of July celebration this year, our family went to Sequoia National Forest to celebrate the beauty of the land.  We skipped all the fireworks but enjoyed quietly walking among the majestic 3000 year old sequoia trees with our mouths wide open in wonder and watched the beautiful starlit sky at midnight with a glass of wine - well, only me because it was lights out for the boys by 8pm.  We were lucky enough to get a cancellation room at the only lodge in the park called Wuksachi Lodge tucked away among the trees and visited by many deer and international tourists.  We stayed for 2 nights and left early so as to avoid the mass exodus of tourists who had the same idea to spend the holiday at Sequoia.  The park was packed to the brim with campers, hikers, and day visitors that at times it felt like a busy city instead of a remote mountain forest.

 When we returned home, I realized I had left my backpack with my toiletries, neck support for sleeping in the car, hat and some other personal things back at the lodge.  I hadn't realized at the time but not once did I open my bag to get personal stuff for myself while everyone else had their suitcases unpacked.  I was so busy taking care of everyone else's needs that even when my own needs were ignored, I didn't even realize it! So now, I am using Luki's spare Darth Vader backpack for the time being.

 I may need to go shopping soon.


Sometimes I worry that by the time Liam is an adult, I will have become an exhausted, dull, boring person with no hobbies, interests and I will have nothing interesting to talk about with anyone.  Things that used to interest me before like traveling and exploring new places just seem like a lot of work and a stressful job reluctantly pursued  so that the kids can be exposed to the world and traveling. Even Sequoia which was amazing was a lot of work. A job because I now have to pack for 3 as before, when I was single and carefree, I just packed a tote for myself.   Just watching travel photos of people on Facebook exhausts me because I am thinking of the logistics of navigating a new place, packing/unpacking, planning the itinerary, and enduring a plane ride with two kids not to mention check in, TSA, special needs stroller, a toddler who likes to vanish like Houdini, etc.. In my fantasy spare time, all I really want to do is lay around, zone out on Netflix and munch on junk food.  Other than that, I don't know what else to do with myself when alone in a quiet house while the kids are at school/daycare and Gabe is at work except do chores which never seem to end. The toilets could always use another scrub and a load of laundry is always waiting for me. What is even more concerning is what if I  get to the point of actually looking forward to scrubbing the toilet and doing the laundry. What if that becomes my only  joy in life?   I recently came across aa webinar on the Toll of Caregiver Trauma and I wonder if I, too, am somewhat "traumatized".  To be honest though, Luki is an angel and I had an easier time with him during the toddler years than with little Liam. Actually, they were hard in different ways: Lucas needed more physical support due to hypotonia and the bout of seizures and Liam needs me constantly to satiate his enormous curiosity. I can't seem to keep up with him. 

Liam wearing my laundered shirt

Liam says the laundry basket is a choo choo train and threw all the clean laundry out; My makeup brushes are all over the floor

These are the times I wish I had children in my twenties when I had more energy..but then again, I remember being pretty tired back then, too. 


Mothering is hard work - special needs or not! But the rewards are so so worth it! Right? Right.